Breaking the Silence: Men can also be Victims of Dating Violence
For four years, Justin Summers suffered at the hands of his ex, and the lack of respect she showed towards other people, such as waivers or people on the phone, could have been a red flag for him not to continue with the relationship.
Summers, 39, a victim of dating violence, recalls, "She was an absolutely gorgeous and highly intelligent woman."
Summers began to notice warning signs about three months into their relationship, right after deciding to move in. Over time, physical violence was added to verbal abuse, manipulation, and alcohol consumption.
Because she was a single mother of two, her son's behavior caused her stress, and she would get physical with him. "They had knockdown drag-out battles," said Summers. It would shortly direct her attention to Summers, which would happen "when she was drinking."
He recognized that his relationship was unhealthy, so he sought advice from his family and friends, most of whom ignored him because of the stigma associated with men, who are taught from an early age to be strong and independent and not to show vulnerability or ask for help.
"A lot of times it felt like because she is a woman and I'm a man, it was not necessarily taken as seriously as if, like, a guy had been abusing a woman."
Summers remained in the relationship for four years because he did not know how to cope with anything like this because it was his first relationship in which he experienced dating violence. Although close family members advised him to leave, "It is tough when you are in the middle," said Summers.
If the person wants to leave, they must prepare themselves, according to Alex Gomez, a psychologist who graduated from Arizona State University.
"If you have evidence of abuse, take it with you. Make sure the abuser cannot access physical evidence, such as pictures, messages, mail, or voicemails," said Gomez. "If they find it, it can put you in a perilous situation."
Dating violence can have long-lasting effects on a person and leave them "in a distressing situation."
Teens may develop anxiety and engage in dangerous behaviors such as drug and alcohol use and antisocial actions such as lying, aggression, and isolating themselves and others.
Depression, anxiety, PTSD, and addiction are all factors that can cause problems with the heart, muscles, and nervous system in adults. Suicidal thoughts are another risk for adults and teenagers.
Summers is currently struggling to believe in his ability. He is still afflicted by depression and self-doubt. Summers has surmounted these challenges by "engaging in activities" such as soccer and coaching to "repair and restore."
"It started with her son; I had to step in several times to calm her down when she would get physical with him," said Summers. "There was a lot of psychological manipulation where she would do things like come drunk at two or three in the morning and dump water on me when I had to wake up early for work just to start an argument.
Summer thought that by moving in with her, he gave her more power over him. Because he had fallen in love with her two children, forcing himself to leave was difficult. He knew things were not right, but he was also compassionate, hoping things would change.
There is always a cycle that most people in a dating violence relationship get involved in. It happened to Summers because she always apologized and victimized herself by talking about her trauma background, to the point where Summers felt compelled to continue in the relationship to be that loving, supportive, and caring person for her.
Fg.1 Image taken at Summers' Sister's wedding.